Attachment Styles & Their Effect On Our Present Relationships
Attachment styles. They are incredibly important in our understanding of the ways in which we relate to people in present time and help in our understanding of the quality of our relationships. Attachment styles, in short, are ways in which we bond and connect to those around us and how those bonds and connections are sustained over time. How we “attach” to people mirrors how we were cared for by our caregiver/s as infants and on, during our childhood. To help us become familiar with attachment and attachment styles, let us introduce the four different types of attachment styles that there are. There is the secure attachment style, the anxious attachment style, the avoidant attachment style, and the disorganized attachment style.
Secure Attachment: This attachment style is based on a loving, trusting, attentive, and reliable connection between two people.
Anxious Attachment: Having this type of attachment style is based on qualities of insecurity, mistrust, needing reassurance, and feeling “on edge” most of the time within a relationship. This type of attachment style can also lead to people-pleasing as people with an anxious attachment style may have abandonment wounds with the fear of being left in their relationships.
Avoidant Attachment: This attachment style will bring up feelings of isolation, and people with this attachment style may feel the need to become distant and to have to figure things out on their own as seeking help and having their needs met is not something that is familiar to them. People with an avoidant attachment style could be classified as being hyper independent.
Disorganized Attachment: This type of attachment style is more complex as it can combine elements of the anxious and avoidant attachment style. In addition to this, this attachment style is also based on being on survival mode as it is formed due to experiencing threatening and traumatic events. With a disorganized attachment style, a person may feel that they need to watch their back and look out for any signs of danger a lot of the time -- this is also known as being in constant survival mode.
One of the areas of our life that we may hear more frequently about in how attachment styles affect us is in our romantic relationships and the way that we bond with our partner. This is something that can become complicated as people with the same attachment style can decide to be in a relationship together (e.g., two people who have an anxious attachment style). People with different attachment styles (e.g., one person with an anxious attachment style and one person with an avoidant attachment style) may also be in a relationship. There are also complications when there is a relationship between two people and one has a secure attachment style, but the other has an anxious attachment style, for example. One thing is for certain, and that is that no matter what our attachment style may be, at the core of who we are, we want to be loved, appreciated, and understood. However, this can be made difficult because not all of our childhoods were gifted with love and attunement. For individuals who do not have a secure attachment style, it may be helpful when they meet people in their life who are patient, understanding, and willing to walk with them as they work toward having more stability in the way that they approach their relationships. In addition to this, the help of therapy can be something else that helps individuals heal their attachment style so that as they live their life, their relationships are built on ease, trust, and safety.
